1. What does an elf do when he gets home from school?
Ans. Gnomework.

2. What do vampires learn in business classes?
Ans. How to type blood.

3. Why did the teacher marry the school jamitor?
Ans. He swept her off her feet.

4. What is the difference between a teacher and an engineer?
Ans. One trains the mind and the other minds the train.

5. What is the difference between a dressmaker and a nurse?
Ans. One makes cuts for dresses and the other dresses cuts.

6. Why is the school yard larger at recess?
Ans. There are more feet in it.

7. Why do the soccer players do so well in school?
Ans. They always use their heads.

8. What athlete is never promoted?
Ans. The left back.

9. What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
Ans. One sells watches and the other watches cells.

10. Why didn't the clock work?
Ans. Because it needed a hand.

11. What did one toe say to the other toe?
Ans. Don't look but there's a heel following us.

12. What do you do if you smashed your toe?
Ans. You can a tow truck.

13. What is a ring leader?
Ans. The first one in the bathtub.

14. Why does an elephant have a trunk?
Ans. So it has somewhere to hide when it sees a mouse.

15. What car does a teddy bear drive?
Ans. Toy-ota

16. What can a magic tractor do?
Ans. It turns into a field.

17. What is the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike?
Ans. The ground.

18. When was tennis mentioned in the Bible?
Ans. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

19. Why did the lady chase her nose?
Ans. It was running.

20. What vitamin has good vision?
Ans. Vitamin C.

21. What happened when the nail and the tire had a fight?
Ans. The nail knocked the tire flat.

22. What are the three words most often used by students?
Ans. I don't know.

23. Why did the dog run around in circles?
Ans. It was a watchdog and was winding itself.

24. Why does a baby duck walk softly?
Ans. It can't hardly walk.

25. What did the baby porcupine say when he backed into a cactus?
Ans. Is that you mama?

26. What happens when pigs fly?
Ans. Bacon goes up.

27. Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Ans. The chicken wasn't invented yet.

28. What doesn't ask questions but gets answers?
Ans. A telephone.

29. What ice cream flavors do sharks like?
Ans. Fin-villa, Jawberry, Shark-olate, and Toothy Fruity.

30. What is plowed but never planted?
Ans. Snow.

31. How do robins stay in shape?
Ans. They do worm-ups.

32. What did the shoe say to the gum?
Ans. Stick with me and we'll go places.

33. Why did the police officer wear a blanket?
Ans. He was under-cover.

34. Why can't anyone understand zippers?
Ans. They talk only in zip codes.

35. What did one dandelion say to the other.
Ans. Thanks for taking me to your weeder.

36. What do you get if you cross a stereo and a refrigerator?
Ans. Cool music.

37. What do you get if you cross a tiget with a needle?
Ans. Pin Stripes.

38. What do you call it when a ghost makes a mistake?
Ans. A boo boo.

39. Where do spooks mail their letters?
Ans. A ghost office.

40. What do you get if you cross a skeleton with a great detective?
Ans. Sherlock Bones.

41. What kind of shoes do snakes wear for swimming?
Ans. Water moccasins.

42. Why are deer willing to lend you money?
Ans. If they don't have any doe they will have a buck.

43. What's the angriest kind of wind?
Ans. A crosswind.

44. What do you call a short black bird?
Ans. A low crow.

45. What kind of bird has the weirdest hairdo?
Ans. A mo-hawk.

46. What kind of stone is the most sour?
Ans. Limestone.

47. Why was the polar bear upset with her test grades?
Ans. They were all 20 below 0.

48. Why atr E T's eyes so big?
Ans. He saw his phone bill.

49. Why did the chicken throw a record over the fence?
Ans. To listen to the other side.

50. Why do flies walk on the ceiling?
Ans. So they won't get stepped on.

51. What grows when it eats but dies when it drinks?
Ans. Fire.

52. What's the best way to get a couch potato to do situps?
Ans. Put the remote control between his knees.

53. What walks on its head?
Ans. The nails on the sole of a shoe.

54. How are a grape and a squid alike?
Ans. They are both brown when they age.

55. How do you make a strawberry shake?
Ans. Scare it.

56. How did Ronald McDonald celebrate his marriage to Wendy?
Ans. He gave her an onion ring.

57. Why is Alabama the smartest state?
Ans. It has four As and one B.

58. What do you get when you cross a clock and a rooster?
Ans. An alarm clock.

59. What is a three letter mouse trap?
Ans. C A T.

60. What kind of doctor would you take a sick duck to?
Ans. A quack.

61. Why were 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 so scared?
Ans. Because 7, 8, 9.

62. What kind of shoes does a robber wear?
Ans. Sneakers.

63. What kind of markets do dogs hate?
Ans. Flea Markets.

64. What kind of bow can't you tie in a knot?
Ans. A rainbow.

65. What does a mouse like on his hot dogs?
Ans. Moosetard.

66. What do cows use to help them with their math?
Ans. Cowculators.

67. What did Ben Franklin say when he first discovered electricity?
Ans. Nothing he was too shocked.

68. What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry?
Ans. If we wouldn't be so fresh we wouldn't be in such a jam.

69. What do you call a sunburn on your stomach?
Ans. A pot roast.

70. What did one magnet say to the other magnet?
Ans. You're attractive.

71. What do you call a sleeping bull?
Ans. A bulldozer.

72. What question can you never answer yes?
Ans. Are you sleeping.

73. What is a scientist's favorite mint?
Ans. Experi-mints.

74. What does a tugboat use to buy things?
Ans. A barge card.

75. Why is the tallest building in town a library?
Ans. It has the most stories.

76. What fist is rich?
Ans. A goldfish.

77. What did the judge say to the dentist?
Ans. Do you swear to pull the right tooth and nothing but the right tooth?

78. How do spaceship crews say they are sorry?
Ans. Apollo-gize.

79. What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
Ans. Get dressed the doctor is taking us out tonight.

80. What do librarians use for bait when they go fishing?
Ans. Bookworms.

81. If a fat cat is a flabby tabby what is a small cat?
Ans. An itty bitty kitty.

82. How do you find out how old a dinosaur is?
Ans. Go to his birthday party.

83. Which state has the most streets?
Ans. Rhonde Island.

84. What gives you the power to walk through walls?
Ans. Doors.

85. Where do cows stay on vacation?
Ans. In a mootel.

86. Where does a shoe make a phone call?
Ans. In the telephone boot.

87. What did the digital clock say to its mother?
Ans. Look ma no hands.

88. What goes up but never comes down?
Ans. Your age.

89. What comes down but never goes up?
Ans. Rain.

90. What is yellow and wears a mask?
Ans. The Lone Lemon.

91. What does somebody take before you get it?
Ans. Your picture.

92. What is green but turns red?
Ans. A dragon after eating a red pepper.

93. How can you put a pumpkin into a squash?
Ans. Throw it up into the air and it will come down squash.

94. What's the world's bravest sandwich?
Ans. A hero.

95. What is a paradox?
Ans. Two doctors.

96. What's gray and flies if thrown?
Ans. A rock.

97. Where do you take a sick boat?
Ans. To the dock.

98. What does through water but doesn't get wet?
Ans. A ray of sunshine.

99. Why did the little boy bury his flashlight?
Ans. The batteries were dead.

100. What kind of train carries bubble gum?
Ans. A Choo Choo train.