1. Where do you buy food for dinner?
Ans. In a supper market.

2. What's the difference between a diet and a crowded elevator?
Ans. One is hard to go on and one is hard to get off.

3. What happens when you add detergent to chicken noodle soup?
Ans. It becomes chicken noodle soap.

4. What's the difference between Peter Pan and a child who doesn't want to eat soap?
Ans. One doesn't want to grow up and the other doesn't want to throw up.

5. What do little chefs do for homework?
Ans. Cook-book reports.

6. How do straight A students like their meat cooked?
Ans. Well Done.

7. What fast food can't stop talking?
Ans. The Big Yak.

8. What does a frog order at a fast food place?
Ans. Burger and flies.

9. What's Pinocchio's favorite dessert?
Ans. Chocolate liar cake.

10. Who eats chow mein every single day?
Ans. A chow ein-iac.

11. What does a little dog spread cream cheese on?
Ans. A puppyseed beagle.

12. Why did the baker insult the bread?
Ans. To get a rise out of it.

13. What vegetables always get extra attention?
Ans. V I Peas.

14. What does a lima bean wear on its head?
Ans. A lima beanie.

15. What is the difference between and baby and a cucumber?
Ans. One is tickled and the other is pickled.

16. What fairy tale tells a story about an unattractive wonton that becomes beautiful?
Ans. The Ugly Duckling.

17. What do traitors order for breakfast?
Ans. Eggs Benedict Arnold.

18. What do you get if you pour maple syrup on Mickey Mouse?
Ans. A sticky Mickey.

19. If you make hamburgers from ground beef what do you make pork burgers from?
Ans. Ground-hogs.

20. What is the difference between a spoiled brat and an ice cream cone?
Ans. One gets licked for being bad and the other gets licked for being good.

21. What do successful people feed their dogs?
Ans. Yuppie Chow.

22. Where are mashed potatos buried?
Ans. In gravy yards.

23. What do salad makers do while they sleep?
Ans. Toss and turn.

24. What dressing does Robinson Crusoe put on his salad?
Ans. Thousand Island.

25. Why do waiters make good soldiers?
Ans. They are good at taking orders.

26. How do they file melted marshmellows in a library?
Ans. By the gooey decimal system.

27. What does a snake charmer wear around his neck?
Ans. A boa tie.

28. What kind of shoes to gas station attendants wear with dresses?
Ans. Pumps.

29. Why are locksmiths such good singers?
Ans. They've always got the right key.

30. What does Sherlock Holmes read for fun?
Ans. Ency-clue-pedia.

31. What do policemen learn in school?
Ans. How to tell crime.

32. What is the difference between a hotel clerk and a detective?
Ans. One checks people in and the other checks people out.

33. What's the difference between a pilot and a carpenter?
Ans. One boards planes and the other planes boards.

34. What is the difference between a deep thinker and an explorer?
Ans. One wonders and the other wanders.

35. Do composers write long letters?
Ans. No they write short notes.

36. Who was the most spoiled artist?
Ans. Rem Brandt.

37. On what far away planet don't they recycle garbage?
Ans. Pooluto.

38. What do you can thieves who only steal windshield wipers?
Ans. Windshield swipers.

39. What are a banker's favorite vowels?
Ans. I. O. U.

40. How did the hangman get married?
Ans. He tied the knot.

41. Who married the Jolly Green Giant and his wife?
Ans. A Justice of the Peas.

42. Why did the sheik ask his wivies to repeat what they said?
Ans. He couldn't harem.

43. Why did the photographer throw a grenade into the darkroom?
Ans. He wanted to blow up his pictures.

44. Why did the maid decide to stop pressing shirts?
Ans. She wanted to go on strike while the iron was hot.

45. What does a tailor use to repair a flat tire?
Ans. Needle and tread.

46. Who is the nastiest Disney character?
Ans. Meanie Mouse.

47. What herring ruled Russia?
Ans. Czar-dine

48. Why did the astronaut go to the psychiatrist?
Ans. He was spacey.

49. Why did the broken leg go to the psychiatrist?
Ans. He had a split personality.

50. Why did the car go to the psychiatrist?
Ans. It had a break down.

51. If dentists pull police officers' teeth out, what do police officers do to dentists' teeth?
Ans. Pull them over.

52. What would you get if you crossed a dentist with a military officer?
Ans. A drill sergeant.

53. Who would you get if you crossed a nearsighted cartoon character with a baby?
Ans. Mr. Magoo-goo.

54. What would you get if you crossed Betty Crocker with Old Man Winter?
Ans. A baker who frosts windows.

55. What did one coal worker say to the other coal worker?
Ans. "Mine your own business"

56. What do astronauts carry on their ships in the winter?
Ans. Space heaters.

57. What do authors have when they're too nervous to write?
Ans. Page (stage) fright.

58. Who can write a children^ book and give a great massage at the same time?
Ans. Dr. Masseuse (Seuss).

59. What did little Tarzan's mother read to him to help him fall asleep?
Ans. Safari (fairy) tales.

60. Who is the most talkative fairy tale character?
Ans. Rap Van Winkle.

61. What would you get if you crossed a surgeon with a judge?
Ans. A judge who can get people hitched and stitched at the same time.

62. What would you get if you crossed a cartoonist with Benedict Arnold?
Ans. Anillus traitor.

63. What the difference between a practical joker and a reluctant friend?
Ans. One is always putting you on, the other is always putting you off.

64. What kind of cologne did prehistoric man wear?
Ans. After cave.

65. What does a vegetarian car run on?
Ans. Aspara-gas.

66. How did Noah get the marching band onto the ark?
Ans. Tuba-two (two-by-two).

67. Why did the movie star build an ark?
Ans. In case he got flooded with fan mail.

68. Where did the ancient Egyptians bury magicians?
Ans. In disa-pyramids (disappear-amids)

69. What does a sheep say when it sticks its tongue out for the doctor?
Ans. "Baaah."

70. What do you say when choosing magicians?
Ans. "Houdini, meenie, miney, moe .

71. What doctor invented the light bulb?
Ans. Thomas Medicine (Edison).

72. Which one of Adam and Eve's sons was a dentist?
Ans. Novo-cazn.

73. What famous painting shows a very sick woman coughing and sneezing?
Ans. Pneumonia Lisa.

74. Who handles health club emergencies?
Ans. S W E A T teams.

75. What is a surgeon's favorite musical?
Ans. Opera-ation.

76. What knight rode the fastest horse?
Ans. Spur (Sir) Lancelot.

77. When did knights butt in each others business?
Ans. In the Meddle Ages.

78. If the children of knights play board games, what do their fathers play?
Ans. Sword games.

Ans. Daniel Ba-Boone.

80. What cowboy never said a word?
Ans. Quiet (Wyatt) Earp.

81. Who was the smallest cowboy?
Ans. Wyatt Twirp.

82. Who was the funniest gunfighter?
Ans. Groucho Marksman.

83. What does a sidewalk become when it's icy?
Ans. A slidewalk.

84. What's slime's motto?
Ans. Goo for it.

85. Why did the captain bring the submarine in for repair?
Ans. To replace the shark plugs.

86. What do you say when you tickle slime?
Ans. Coochy, coochy goo.

87. Why didnt the sailor tell the submarine the good news?
Ans. So it wouldn't get its scopes (hopes) up.

88. Why are clocks made better and better as time goes on?
Ans. Tick-nology (technology) improves.

89. What happens when you irritate a clock?
Ans. It gets ticked off.

90. What do you put on the floor of a baby's room?
Ans. Crawl to crawl carpeting.

91. Who cleans up after Robin Hood and his mery men?
Ans. Maid Marian.

92. When does a maid work?
Ans. From Dawn to Dusk.

93. What did the Kleenex write on the box?
Ans. "Tissue (wish you) were here."

94. What's the differecne between a host and a tycoon?
Ans. One takes company in and the other takes over companies.

95. What would you get if you mixed your mother's red nail polish with orange nail polish?
Ans. In trouble.

96. What do native american plumbers install?
Ans. Peace pipes.

97. Would a rubber band ever lie?
Ans. No they only stretch the truth.

98. What did the necktie say to the hat?
Ans. You go on a head and I'll just hang around.

99. What always goes to sleep with shoes on?
Ans. A horse.

100. Why did Silly Billy stand in the back of a donkey?
Ans. He thought he'd get a kick out of it.