1. Why Did The Man Stick His Middle Finger Out At The Earthworm Who Slithered Out Of The Ground At 5 AM?
Ans. The Early Worm Gets The Bird.

2. Why Is It Illegal To Kill Flies In Poland?
Ans. Because That's The National Bird.  

3. What Do You Get When You Cross A Dog, A Bird, And A Car?
Ans. A Flying Car-Pet.

  4. What Is The Difference Between An Angry Sea Bird And A Hymn?
Ans. One Is An Auk Of Rages, The Other Rock Of Ages.

5. Why Did The Talking Bird Join The Air Force?
Ans. He Wanted To Be A Parrot-Trooper.

  6. Did You Hear About The Guy Who Played Golf On Christmas And Accidentally Hit A Bird?
Ans. He Got A Partridge On A Par Three.

7. Did You Hear About The Dilapidated Old Steam Cabinet That Washed Up At The Seashore?
Ans. It Was One Ugly Sauna Of A Beach.

8. How Did They Know The Man Eaten By Sharks Had Dandruff?
Ans. They Found Head And Shoulders On The Beach.

9. How Do Men Exercise On The Beach?
Ans. By Sucking In Their Stomach Everytime They See A Bikini.

10. How Do You Kill A Marine?
Ans. You Throw Sand At A Brick Wall And Tell Him To Hit The Beach.

11. What Did The Bird Wear To The Beach?
Ans. A Beak-Ini!

12. What Did The Ocean Say To The Beach?
Ans. I'm Not Shore.

13. What Do Christmas And A Crab On The Beach Have In Common?
Ans. They Both Involve Sandy Claws.

  14. What Do You Call A Nun On A Nude Beach?
Ans. Someone Without Any Habits!

15. What Do You Call A Quadriplegic Man At The Beach?
Ans. Sandy.

16. What Do You Call A Quadriplegic Woman On A Beach?
Ans. Shelly.

17. What Do You Call Miss Piggy Suntanning On The Beach With A Yeast Infection?
Ans. Hot Ham And Cheese.
18. What Do You Find On A Haunted Beach?
Ans. A Sand Witch.

19. What Is The Best Day To Go To The Beach?
Ans. Sun-Day, Of Course!

20. What Is The Difference Between Someone From Indiana And A Beach Full Of Owls?
Ans. One's A Hoosier, The Other's A Hoo-Shore

21. Why Did The Minister Get Arrested For Holding Spring Break Services By The Ocean?
Ans. He Was Charged With Having Sects On The Beach.

22. Why Don't Women Drink Beer At The Beach?
Ans. She's Afraid To Get Sand In Her Busch.

23. Why Don't You Ever See Lawyers At The Beach?
Ans. The Cats Keep Covering Them Up With Sand.

24. What Do You Wear On The Beach?
Ans. Sand-Als!

25. What Kind Of A Beach Would You Find Santa Surfing?
Ans. One With A Yule Tide.

26. What is out on the lawn all summer and is Irish?
Ans. Patty O'Furniture

27. What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
Ans. Sham rock

28. Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day?
Ans. Because they are always wearing green

29. When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato?
Ans. When it's a French fry

30. What does it mean when you find a horseshoe?
Ans. Some poor horse is going barefoot

31. Why did the elephant wear his green sneakers instead of his red ones?
Ans. His red ones were in the wash

32. Why is a river rich?
Ans. Because it has two banks

33. What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
Ans. A jolly green giant 

34. What is Barney's favorite thing on St. Patricks day?
Ans. A Blarney Stone  

35. What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone?
Ans. A Sham Rock 

36. Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
Ans. He couldn't afford plane fare. 

37. Have you ever heard of the 6-leaf clover?
Ans. Neither have I 

38. Why do leprechauns hide behind 4-leafclovers and not 3-leafclovers?
Ans. They need all the luck they can get

39. What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river?
Ans. He gets wet.

40. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Ans. Sure now, but them regular rocks be way to heavy, don't you know.

41. What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?
Ans. A leper con 

42. What do you say to a leprechaun?
Ans. How's the weather down there.

43. What is a nuahcerpel?
Ans. Leprechaun spelled backwards

44. Why is Erin, the beanie baby's birthday on St.Patrick's day?
Ans. Because that is when she was born

45. Why did the leprechaun cross the road?
Ans. He wanted to find the pot of gold faster  46. Why did the man cross the road?
Ans. A leprechaun chasing rainbows was on the other side. 

47. What did one Irish ghost say to the other?
Ans. Top o' the moaning!"

48. Where would you find a leprechaun baseball team?
Ans. In the Little League!

49. What do you call a leprechaun's vacation home?
Ans. A lepre-condo!

50. What do you call a leprechaun with a sore throat?
Ans. A streprechaun!

51. Why was the student vampire tired in the morning?
Ans. Because he was up all night studying for his blood test!!!

52. Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
Ans. It's good for the bones.

53. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
Ans. They're afraid of flying off the handle!

54. Why don't skeletons like parties?
Ans. They have no body to dance with.

55. Why do mummies make excellent spies?
Ans. They're good at keeping things under wraps.

56. Why do vampires drink blood?
Ans. Because coffee keeps them awake all day!

57. Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?
Ans. Because he's a pain in the neck!

58. Why did the mummy call the doctor?
Ans. Because he was coffin.

59. Why did the ghost go to the doctor?
Ans. To get his boo-ster shot?

60. Why are there fences around cemeteries?
Ans. Because people are dying to get in.

61. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
Ans. His ghoul friend.

62. Where does Dracula water ski?
Ans. On Lake Erie

63. Where does Count Dracula make his withdrawals?
Ans. At the blood bank.

64. When does a ghost need a license?
Ans. During "haunting" season.

65. What's a haunted chicken?
Ans. A poultry-geist.

66. What was the witches' favorite subject in school?
Ans. Spelling

67. What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
Ans. A dead ringer.

68. What do little ghosts drink?
Ans. Evaporated milk.

69. What type of coffee do vampires prefer?
Ans. Decoffinated!

70. What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
Ans. Five after one.

71. What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
Ans. Boo boos

72. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
Ans. Ice Scream

73. What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
Ans. A blood vessel

74. How did the ghost patch his sheet?
Ans. With a pumpkin patch.

75. What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
Ans. Don't spook until your spooken to.

76. What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby Vampire?
Ans. "You are driving me batty."

77. What did the monster eat after the dentist pulled his tooth?
Ans. The dentist!

78. What do ghouls order at McMonsters?
Ans. Handburgers.

79. What do spooks call their Navy?
Ans. The ghost guard.

80. What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
Ans. Squash

81. Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Ans. Because people are dying to get in.

82. Why do witches think they're funny?
Ans. Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.

83. Why did the tiny ghost join the football squad?
Ans. He had heard that they needed a little team spirit !

84. Why don't skeletons like to eat spicy food?
Ans. They can't stomach it!

85. Why do spiders spin webs?
Ans. They can't knit.

86. When is the moon the heaviest?
Ans. When it is full.

87. What did the limestone say to the geologist?
Ans. Stop taking me for granite.

88. Why do tigers live in jungles?
Ans. They can't roam with all the traffic in the city.

89. What kind of clothes lasts the longest?
Ans. Underwear cause it never wears out.

90. What colors would you paint the sun and the wind?
Ans. The sun rose and the wind blue.

91. What did the new suitcase say to the old one.
Ans. You're a sad case.

92. Why did the robber take a bath?
Ans. To make a clean getaway.

93. What has everyone seen but will never see again?
Ans. Yesterday.

94. What is bought by the yard but worn by the foot?
Ans. A carpet.

95. How can you travel fast yet never get far from the first place you passed?
Ans. Go back and forth on a swing.

96. What did the clock say at noon?
Ans. Hands up.

97. What makes a football stadium cool?
Ans. All the fans.

98. What do you have when you put together three ducks and a cow?
Ans. Quackers and milk.

99. Why do chickens make poor employees?
Ans. They tend to be cluck watchers.

100. Mr. Green is a six foot tall butcher who wears a size ten shoe so what does he weigh?
Ans. Meat.