1. What did the pencil say to the paper?
Ans. I dot my I's on you.

2. Why should a sailor be the best authority as to what happens on Mars?
Ans. He has been to sea.

3. When you plant a puppy what comes up?
Ans. A dog would.

4. Why is a garden so dangerous?
Ans. The flowers have pistols.

\ 5. What is the best weather for making hay?
Ans. When it rains pitchforks.

6. What sort of a day would be good cup racing?
Ans. A muggy one.

7. What did the banana do when he saw the monkey coming?
Ans. He did a banana split.

8. What animal has the head of a cat, tail of a cat, acts like a cat but isn't a cat?
Ans. A kitten.

9. Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Ans. You can't iron them.

10. What do policemen put on their peanut butter sandwiches?
Ans. Traffic Jam.

11. What steps should you take if a lion is chasing you?
Ans. Long ones.

12. Why did the silly boy stand behind a mule?
Ans. He thought he'd get a kick out of it.

13. What's the most scary kind of cheese?
Ans. Muemster.

14. What did the cookie say when its mommy was gone?
Ans. I wish my mommy wasn't a wafer so long.

15. What is the smallest potato in the world?
Ans. A spectator.

16. Which side of a fish has the most scales?
Ans. The outside.

17. What person always finds things dull?
Ans. A knife sharpener.

18. What did the tic say to the hat?
Ans. You go on a head and I'll hang around.

19. Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
Ans. On their bunnymoon.

20. How is a mule diferent from a postage stamp?
Ans. One you lick with a stick and the other you stick with a lick.

21. What state is round on the ends and high in the middle?
Ans. Ohio.

22. What kind of driver never gets arrested?
Ans. A screwdriver.

23. What flower should be kept in the zoo?
Ans. Dandelion and Tiger Lily.

24. What do you do when ten ghosts charge you?
Ans. Pay them.

25. What do ghosts buy with their money?
Ans. Boo-ble gum.

26. What game do little ghosts play?
Ans. They play Peek-a-boo.

27. Who cheers at a ghost football game?
Ans. The team spirit.

28. Why did the vampire wear a black belt?
Ans. To keep his pants up.

29. Why didn't anyone want to play with the vampire?
Ans. He truly was a pain in the neck.

30. What part of the house makes a mummy nervous?
Ans. The living room.

31. Why couldn't the mummy answer the phone?
Ans. He was all tied up.

32. What game does a monster play?
Ans. Haunt and seek,

33. How do you make a sad skeleton laugh?
Ans. Ticle its funny bone.

34. Wh did the boy put a banana peel next to his bed?
Ans. So he could slip out of bed in the morning.

35. Why are there rings around Saturn?
Ans. There was no Comet to scrub them away.

36. What element in the universe is on a diet?
Ans. A light year.

37. Why did the astronaut take an umbella into space?
Ans. He was expecting a meteor shower.

38. When is a meteor not a meteor?
Ans. When it's a flame.

39. In which direction does the North Star point?
Ans. Stars can't point.

40. What fear always hange over our planet?
Ans. Atmosphere.

41. How would you like to raise some strawberries?
Ans. With a spoon.

42. When is a girl like a small bucket?
Ans. When she's a little pale.

43. Why did William Tell shudder when he shot the apple from his son's head?
Ans. It was an arrow escape for his son.

44. What is the trade of all presidents of the United States?
Ans. Cabinetmaking.

45. Why is a wise man like a pin?
Ans. His head prevents him from going too far.

46. Why is a dog who can bit his tail an aid to a man on a low salary?
Ans. He can make both ends meet.

47. Why is coal such an odd thing to buy?
Ans. It goes to the seller not the buyer.

48. Where can happiness always be found?
Ans. In a dictionary.

49. What smells most in a bakery?
Ans. Your nose.

50. Why is a man on a deser island like a housewife?
Ans. They're both looking for a sale.

51. What do you get when you cross a boy scout and a baseball player?
Ans. Someone who likes to pitch tents.

52. WHy is a cold calendar as sad as a warm calendar?
Ans. Their days are numbered.

53. What did the farmer say when he went to check his cattle and they were gone?
Ans. Where's the beef?

54. What did the donkey say to the man?
Ans. You'll get a kick out of me.

55. Did the people lugh when the lady fell on the ice?
Ans. No but the ice cracked up.

56. What kind of phone makes music?
Ans. Saxophone.

57. What do you get when you cross a bell and an outlaw?
Ans. A gongster.

58. What is a monster's favorite necklace?
Ans. A choker.

59. What do you get when you cross an army man and a parrot?
Ans. A parrot-trooper.

60. Why did the dragon breathe fire on the village?
Ans. He wanted to be the toast of the town.

61. What's the hardest thing to do when a dragon breathes fire on you?
Ans. Keep cool.

62. How do you cut the ocean in half?
Ans. With a seasaw.

63. How many seconds are there in a year?
Ans. Twelve January 2nd, February 2nd etc.

64. Why did the mad scientist put an elastic band around his forehead?
Ans. He wanted to stretch his imagination.

65. Why aren't elephants allowed on the beaches?
Ans. They can't keep their trunks up.

66. Why did the man wear a winter coat to the ball game?
Ans. He heard there would be thousands of fans.

67. What did the rabbit give his wife?
Ans. A fourteen carrot gold ring.

68. What is the biggest pencil in the world?
Ans. Pennsylvania.

69. What did the man say to the invisible elephant?
Ans. You're out of sight.

70. What is the difference between zombies and darned socks?
Ans. One is dead men and the other is men-ded.

71. Why didn't the boy hurt himself when he fell off the step ladder?
Ans. He only fell from the first step.

72. What do you get when you cross an alarm clock and a porcupine?
Ans. A stickler for punctuality.

73. Why did the turtle cross the road?
Ans. To get to the Shell station.

74. Do you like raisin bread?
Ans. I don't know I never raised any.

75. What do outlaws eat with their milk?
Ans. Crookies.

76. Why did the man throw the clock?
Ans. He wanted to see time fly.

77. Where does a sheep get its hair cut?
Ans. At the baa baa shop.

78. Who is the only man you always take your hat off to?
Ans. The barber.

79. Did you hear about the Texas cowboy?
Ans. He bought a Dochshound because someone told him to get along little doggie.

80. What would you do it an elephant sat down in front of you at the movies?
Ans. Miss most of it.

81. What kind of phone makes music?
Ans. A saxaphone.

82. What do cows give after an earthquake?
Ans. Milk shakes.

83. What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
Ans. Boo Boos.

84. Why did the girl eat bullets?
Ans. She wanted to grow bangs.

85. Why did the girl's father call her Cinderella?
Ans. He wanted her home by midnight.

86. What is a monster's favorite team?
Ans. The Giants.

87. What American father has the largest family?
Ans. George Washington cause he is the father of our country.

88. Did you hear about the fight in the candy store?
Ans. Two suckers got licked.

89. What does not have a head but has many tails?
Ans. A book.

90. What kind of rock does a cobra climb under during a rainstorm?
Ans. A wet one.

91. Why can't ducks fly upide down?
Ans. They would quack up.

92. What has ears but can't hear?
Ans. A field of corn.

93. What do you call a girl who has three boyfriends named William?
Ans. A bill collecter.

94. What did the dirt say when it rained?
Ans. If this keeps up my name will be mud.

95. Why was the little shoe so bad?
Ans. Its mother was a sneaker and its father was a loafer.

96. What question can never be answered?
Ans. Are you sleeping.

97. What did one light bulb say to the other light bulb?
Ans. People turn me on.

98. What is the biggest ant in the world?
Ans. Giant.

99. Why are matches poor friends?
Ans. They are hotheads.

100. Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?
Ans. It ran out of juice.